shooting an elephant
by vagabondsolace
Summary: Jade surmises that their relationship is like a poorly played game of chess. / or, it's the same old story; the only thing that changes are the people in it. Beck


Summary: Jade surmises that their relationship is like a poorly played game of chess. / or, it's the same old story; the only thing that changes are the people in it. Beck&Jade  
A/N: I can never seem to write them happy for more than ten seconds. Sorry.

/\

_shooting an elephant_

/\

When they meet, it's nothing but a passing glance in a busy school hallway and Beck and Jade know it's both unreasonable and illogical to feel the beginnings of something with someone you hardly know.

_(but it's not impossible, is it.)  
_They keep walking.

/

Volatile and hostile.  
Those words shouldn't be synonymous with their relationship, but they are.

That being said, Jade knows better than to think unrealistically because, truthfully, this was their reality. They found stability in instability and, if Beck or Jade were to try and describe their relationship to others, hardly anyone would find any sense of normalcy in it.

Jade wonders why and how they could both compromise so much on something that would never be a guarantee. Is it because, at the core of it all, they're in love? Or is it because they both were always searching for something to believe in and, now that they've found it, they can't let it go?

Maybe it's both.  
Maybe it's neither.

In the end, Jade digresses, she wants to see whatever it is they have through because you can't just start something like this, something so far from being simplistic, without wanting to see where it ends –

or if there's even an ending at all.

/

Looking back, Beck finds it almost laughable that the premise for his Hollywood Arts locker was transparency. _I have no secrets and neither does my locker_, he remembers saying.

Again. Laughable.  
_(he has too many secrets now.)_

Beck makes the conscious decision to never tell anybody anything anymore because he already knows how it'll end; they'll leave, they always do, and Beck ends up missing them more than he ever thought possible. If he thinks about it for long enough, he would probably cry. But Beck isn't a crier, let alone a nostalgic. He just chooses to not think about anything at all.

It's the same old story, the only thing that changes are the people in it.

/

Beck doesn't know, really, where they went wrong.

"We used to have jokes, man," he tells Andre one day, "like, actual fucking jokes. And now it's just – I don't know, it's shit."

Andre sighs and gives Beck a look that is a lot more condescending than it is sympathetic. "Look, I didn't want to say shit before because you were all in love with her or whatever; but for God's sake man, get over it. You'll find another 'One.'" He uses air quotes to emphasize his last point.

Beck doesn't know if Andre's right or not. He fears that, one day, he'll just split in half and, like a dam, he'll just keep owning up and owning up and owning up to all the things he didn't bother saying or admitting to himself. Or to Jade.

No one seems to understand that she was all he had, even if she was never really his to begin with.  
_(he takes another shot and prays for answers.)_

/

"I'm not happy with our relationship!"

She feigns ignorance when she asks what he's talking about and even though Jade isn't at all stupid her cheeks start to burn because they're on this stupid game show in front of the _whole fucking school _and this is really happening.

The second they go on a break he drags her into the janitor's closet. "I don't know what I want to do but it's not this. I know it's not. Because I can't even imagine my life – I just, I don't know how to be happy. Happy with what I have. I don't… I don't know. I don't want it." Beck is stumbling over his words and he sounds so confused and lost and hurt and it's clear neither him or Jade know what to do.

Jade feels cold and empty and she's trying to grasp onto whatever she has left of her pride but it's too late and she just keeps frowning and biting her lip.

"You think you don't want it because you've never had it but you do deserve it, Beck. To be happy and shit rainbows and all that. And if I don't do that for you… well then, feel free to leave. Or whatever. I don't care."

He wants to take it all back and kiss her and make it all go away because it wasn't supposed to end up like this.  
But what comes out instead is: "Okay."

Checkmate.

/

She talks to Cat about it, once.

Cat may be ditzy and a little crazy but she's there when Jade needs her to be and is the closest thing she'll ever have to a best friend and so Jade will never not take her extended olive branch.

"I don't get it. I just… what changed? We were doing fucking fine one day and the next day… we weren't enough for each other. I wasn't enough. And I can't see why." She's frustrated and rambling and Jade doesn't bother warning Cat to never repeat this to anyone because she's too exhausted. Cat knows, anyway.

"Well, Jade… I like you! And I like Beck! And I think you guys were good together – like, great even! But I think you guys are like two trains about to crash. My brother says he likes train wrecks because they're fun to watch. But like, I don't know how it's fun because somebody always gets hurt. And I don't want anyone to get hurt anymore."

It's probably the most poignant and deep thing Cat Valentine had ever said to her _(to anyone, really) _and Jade just nods, her lips forever curved downward, because she doesn't know how to respond.

She makes a mental note to herself to never vent to Cat about Beck again.

/

After she counts to ten and he doesn't open the door and he realizes that it's _overoverover _for good, Beck wonders if they wasted their time.

They pass each other in the hallways and pretend the other doesn't exist when they're with their friends but Beck feels he's been knocked sideways because he can't ever escape her piercing gaze – and it's been awhile since she looked at him.

He'd like to think that maybe all the shit people say about fairy tales and fate and whatever is true. Or, maybe, that's all it really is: a big pot of bullshit. He doesn't really know. But Beck surmises that maybe he and Jade were just trying to adapt to things because, you know, that's what happens. Things change and they both just have to own up to it.

He still loves her though, somewhere.

/

Jade wants to be spoiled with consistency;  
Not just from Beck but, more importantly, from herself.

_(she wishes she could be better.)  
_She doesn't know if missing him when he's right in front of her is romantic or just plain sad.

/

Jade surmises that their relationship is like a poorly played game of chess.

From the start Beck tries to put her in check, align her with him in some twisted way; she fights back with a slap and, from there on, it's all about tearing each other apart. It's all about winning.

"I could rip you to shreds and paint my nails at the same time."  
He smirks and smirks and, while she won't say it out loud, it sends a chill up Jade's spine because she's never seen him so… malicious.

"I'd like to see you try."

/

Beck really, really wishes he could bring himself to like Tori Vega.

The concept sounds odd and cruel because people really shouldn't feel the need to force themselves to like another person – especially one they're dating – but it's true. In all the years they've known each other, it's not brand new information to Beck that him and Tori would just work, you know? She's beautiful and nice, funny and smart; everything a guy would want in a girl. Everything a guy like Beck should want.

At some point, he realizes that every time he's with Tori, he finds himself waiting. Beck's not really sure what he's fucking waiting for at this point, he just is. Perhaps big neon signs and flashing lights and a click from some higher power when he least expects it that will make him believe he feels some sort of something for her. Something more. He wants to want her to stay and not leave, wants to go through more than just the motions of being her boyfriend.

Beck gets nothing. Fucking nothing. Which is one-fourths sad and three-fourths stupid but he assumes that yeah, they're just not meant to be or anything like that. Like rational graphs or asymptotes, Beck thinks to himself as he puts his long dormant math skills to good use, him and Tori are always going to be _thisclose_ to meeting but are never going to actually touch.

It's too cliché, too typical, too easy.  
And easy is boring.

They break up not too long after.  
_(he ignores the possibility of it being because he misses Jade.)_

/

Days turn into weeks and soon weeks will turn into months and it's killing Jade inside to know that as more time passes, it's only solidifying the fact that this is real and fuck, a part of her still wishes it wasn't. Jade knows it shouldn't hurt anymore because she knows the rules. She's played this game too many times; she's the best at it. And so she scolds herself for caring too much and having such a dull ache make a home in her heart.

On particularly bad days, the tears threaten to spill out and she feels her throat get dry as all the things she's trying to ignore begin to surface. She wishes she could just forget it all and start over because it's just so fucking pathetic.  
_(not to mention humiliating.)_

But Jade goes on with her life because she's _Jadelyn-fucking-West _and she has responsibilities and a reputation to uphold. She always needs to be two steps ahead of everyone else and Jade will never allow herself to slip up because things are already so fucked up; she can't afford mistakes. Failure is not an option. Being weak is not an option.

_(but it still really hurts.)  
_And so she picks out the memories she doesn't want to keep any longer and locks them away in the dark recesses of her mind until maybe, just maybe, one day she can bear to face them.

/

It's late one night and they're watching _Buffy: The Vampire Slayer_ re-runs when it happens.

Beck will be honest in saying that he doesn't really like the show, but Jade does; and if she can put up with him watching _Full House_ for three hours after school, he can watch Buffy be a badass.

They're curled up on his bed in the RV and Beck finds himself nodding off to sleep as the episode drags on but then he hears it. His brain is still a little muddled with sleep but he hears a girl talking about how she wants a warning if ever the person she's talking to decides to leave. Something about big flashing lights and bomb wires and, in the end, the person will just end up staying with her. Because he loves her.

Beck opens his eyes fully and looks down to find Jade oblivious to his existence and absolutely enthralled with the show. He wonders to himself if she would give him the same courtesy. Bomb wires and neon signs and all that.

But he already knows the answer.  
_(his grip on her tightens. please don't go.)_

/

Jade doesn't think she's broken so much as she is tragic. And maybe she always has been. She's so used to giving and receiving only pieces and parts, never a whole – it's just too much. She isn't some heroine; her bloodstream isn't filled with glitter. Jade is just Jade and, one day, as she's smoking on a rooftop to feel a reprieve from her boringly busy life, she wishes she had the guts and the heart to save herself.

She makes the subconscious decision to pull out her phone and make a call; revels in the fact that, when he answers, his voice is the same as it's always been – low and soothing. She likes that.

"Remember when you loved me." It comes out like a statement even though she wishes it were a question and Jade plays it off like she's reminiscing on old times like it was puppy love, child's play, meaningless. It's not. _Why did you love me? Did you ever stop?_

Beck chuckles on the other end of the line, "You're pretty hard to forget." _I still do._

He wants her when he knows she shouldn't, which is more often than Beck would ever choose to admit. Jade wasn't always as he had imagined her to be and, after he fell too fast and head first in love with her, he felt like she was much more than he ever deserved. _There were pieces of her that weren't meant for him, no matter how hard he fought for them._ He would never get the whole.

If Jade was better, she would've proposed to maybe be a little less for him– but that wasn't the type of person either of them were and they both knew it too. They could never ask each other to dull the other's shine, that would be impossible and unfair and a lie. _Beck&Jade_ turned into _Beck and Jade_ as they crumbled and tore apart at the seams in due time; loving each other all too much, too soon.

Somewhere, a thousand miles away, Beck is on the other end of the line and he's gripping the phone until his knuckles turn white because he realizes that he does believe in fate and he doesn't say it out loud – _(surprise, surprise)_ – but he hopes that, maybe someday, they'll have their time again.

And Jade won't ever really know where it all went wrong but she thinks it was most likely at the very beginning.

/\

_fin._

/\

A/N: If you liked it, please don't hesitate to review!


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